DOCTOR WHO PARODIES
Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Ron Brunwin
PERFORMANCE REPORT
After a successful five-year run of original comedy plays for Doctor Who conventions around the United Kingdom, we finally made the leap across the Atlantic for our final bow in Los Angeles, USA. ‘The Ten Doctors’ was our twelfth non-profit making Doctor Who production and we decided it was time to go out on a high, whilst the audiences were still laughing and wanting more.
Production of this mammoth celebration (both logistically and personally) was, to be honest, an absolute nightmare. Ten actors were chosen but, just before rehearsals started, one of the actors dropped out. Then, another actor was chosen to fill his shoes, but he also dropped out too. It was a troubling time, especially as OFFSTAGE had stressed that once you’d said ‘Yes’ to coming, you were effectively locked in (due to script-writing, air-fare, hotel rooms, etc). Finally, we had a definite cast of nine for our American Adventure! On a purely personal note from the Producer/Director and Writer, handpicking the USA cast was the hardest thing they’ve ever done. Keeping it secret from everyone else was even harder. OFFSTAGE is a social as well as theatre group, so it’s always difficult to lose people for certain plays, but they’ve always prided themselves on picking the best people for each role. That’s not necessarily the best actors; that’s genuinely the actor who fits the character best. That way, the audience finds it instantly easier to be at ease with the character. For the USA Doctor Who play, they had to go through the cast of characters and work out who would be best suited for each part. In the end, the cast then picked themselves because they fitted more than one part. So, on this very fair way of casting, the actors were chosen.
The script was constantly in flux over who was playing what character, which meant gaining or losing characters because of who would finally be a part of the project. Ron Brunwin did most of the initial scripting work after Barnaby had thrashed out the initial idea with him, whilst Barnaby helped Kim with the production side. Thirty pages of various scenes later, Ron gave up (citing, in his own words, that he’d “run out of funny!”). So, in a very short space of time, Barnaby had to incorporate those scenes into a script that eventually ran for 130 pages (including detailed directions and dialogue for the Video Inserts). After hasty script-editing, Barnaby whittled it down to 115 pages. During the rehearsal process, the script was re-written and tightened again and ended up being 105 pages long. Phew. The rehearsal period itself was ludicrously short, being as the go-ahead was given quite late for this production, and also because of the amount of cast changes and script adjustments due to that. Sometimes fun, sometimes stressful, this was the sort of production that required an awful lot of time and effort. The cast were often tired, often confused, and often irritable – personal upsets and work commitments combined to make this a troubled period. But, during every rehearsal, there was always something to make them fall about laughing. And, as with all tough schedules, the end justified the means. Filming the Video Inserts (for inclusion on the HUGE Screen provided at the Gallifrey convention, on one side of the stage) was arduous and freezing cold, taking the cast back to Kath’s Barn, where they had rehearsed many early Doctor Who shows, and over-ran considerably. Sadly, most of the footage taken that night (the only night when everyone was available) was unusable – due to lighting and camera direction – which caused a further trimming of the script that parodied Monty Python’s ‘I’m A Lumberjack’ song, dressed as Canadian Mounties.
The Gallifrey One convention (in its’ 19th consecutive year in 2007) is an amazing event, populated by such a diverse and friendly bunch of people. It had the biggest attendance ever for any of its previous events and OFFSTAGE was proud to have been a small part of it all. Everyone was fraught with the stress of the show and the jet-lag and the logistics after landing in Los Angeles and, when the sun shone and the pancakes were produced for breakfast, suddenly all of that melted away! Rehearsals took place in a gargantuan suite in the LAX Marriott Hotel, in which Colin Baker kindly joined us to run through his scene a few times, and it was pointed out that – at that moment – tucked away in another hotel suite, with no windows to see the view outside, we could’ve been part of any of our previous Doctor Who conventions in London, Stockton-on-Tees, Liverpool, Evesham, Barking, Cardiff or Northampton, rather than divided from the UK by the Atlantic ocean!
Nearly 600 people watched ‘The Ten Doctors’ on the Saturday night of the ‘Gallifrey 2007’ convention in Los Angeles, USA. The audience resception was amazing. The play over-ran by nearly an hour and a standing ovation as the cast took their bow was humbling in the extreme. Colin Baker (the actor who played the Sixth Doctor in the BBC series – and also ‘Commander Maxil’ in the Fifth Doctor’s era) appeared in a specially-written cameo and brought the house down. The audience whooped and clapped and cheered his entrance, his every line, and his exit. Truly unforgettable (see below for separate ‘report’ and photos). Even an accidental Fire Alarm going off just before the end of the play didn’t deter the actors or the audience. After a brief 15-minutes of stoppage, the play continued, the audience almost refused to leave their seats during the alarm, and we have to thank goodness it wasn’t a real fire! With nine actors playing sixty different characters (which required sixty different costumes), backstage was pandomeonium. So many quick changes and so many different impersonations and accents. Most praise must go to Kim Jones, who not only directed and produced, but also sorted out all the costumes, became a Stage Manager backstage, and made all the various props needed for the play – as well as organising the entire production from start to finish. But, nothing could’ve been achieved without the hard work of all nine actors, watching and re-watching DVDs, practicing their roles, trying to distill the essence of a character to convey it to an audience of hardcore fans.
At the ‘Meet & Greet’ panel the following day, the nine actors from The OFFSTAGE Theatre Group fielded questions about the production; their thoughts, their feelings, their favourite moments. They were then interviewed by a journalist from ‘The Guardian’ newspaper, who had travelled from the UK to write a piece on USA Doctor Who conventions. The play even got a mention a few months later in a piece on Russell T Davies (head honcho of ‘Doctor Who’) in ‘The Telegraph’. The final even more humbling moment for the cast came at the end of the ‘Meet & Greet’ when they were asked to sign posters/postcards for the fans! This litle travelling theatre group had come a long way from its beginning as an after-school club at Brockworth Enterprise School.
The five days that OFFSTAGE spent in Los Angeles were packed full of incident and unforgettable memories. Walking down Rodeo Drive, spotting the Stars along Hollywood Boulevard, sunbathing on Venice Beach, seeing the Hollywood Sign, putting our hands and feet on the imprints of famous celebrities outside Mann’s Chinese Theatre, relaxing by the Hotel Pool, eating Twinkies, visiting Santa Monica Pier for an after-show meal, playing like kids with the incoming tide on Santa Monica beach, and trying to find the Hard Rock Café which had actually moved years ago! But, aside from that, to hold the attention of such a large audience when performing a very long play (which WAS over-long, due to missed sound cues, untimed Video Inserts, all the ad-libbing, applause and laughter. Not to mention the fact that the script could’ve done with one last edit) was an amazing feat when nobody was sure that this particular brand of English humour would travel well abroad! All of it will stay with those nine actors as a once-in-a-lifetime experience.
The OFFSTAGE website has been inundated with e-mails and photos, all full of praise for the production, and asking us to reverse our decision to retire from the Doctor Who convention circuit. All of this is very humbling and we’ll use the old Sean Connery as James Bond phrase of “Never Say Never Again!” but, for the foreseeable future, we’ll leave the good Doctor in the capable hands David Tennant, Russell T Davies, and the BBC!
AUDIENCE FEEDBACK:
You can read just a small selection of the comments (good and bad!) from E-mails, Dr Who Community Forums, Live Journals and Internet Blogs by CLICKING HERE…
THE PLAYERS
(in order of first appearance)
BOB ROBERTS:
First Doctor/Paddy (Production Assistant)/Captain 'Chunky' Gilmore/Older Brigadier/White
Guardian/Auton/Michael Grade/Hurndall Doctor/Cyberman #2/Castellan
GAZ RICKETTS:
Tenth Doctor/Captain Jack Harkness/Eric Roberts Master/Colonel Kryten/Young
Brigadier/Mr Spock/Ian Chesterton/Cyberman #1/Omega/Gary Russell
KIM JONES:
Rose Tyler/Ace/Liz Shaw/Polly/Black Triangle/President Flavia
DAVID RATTY:
Ninth Doctor/Sixth Doctor/Delgado Master/Ben/Ainley Master
BARNABY EATON-JONES:
Captain Jack Sparrow/Eighth Doctor/Fourth Doctor/Jamie/Tom Burgundy
FRANCIS MOLONEY:
Black Triangle/Fifth Doctor/Third Doctor/Doctor Who (Peter Cushing)
KATHRYN HOPKINS:
Grace Holloway/Professor Rachel Jensen/Peri/Black Triangle/Sarah-Jane Smith/Barbara
Wright/Chancellor Goth/Alternate Rose
IAN KUBIAK:
Dalek (Voice)/Chang Lee/Seventh Doctor/Sergeant/K9 (Voice)/Second Doctor/Rasta
Warrior Robot/Cyberman (Voice)/Adric
LIZ HOSLER:
Melanie Bush/Schoolgirl/Romana I/Zoë/Susan Foreman (Younger)/Susan Foreman
(Older)/Jo Grant/Romana II
JAMES HAMBLETT:
Rassilon's Naughtier Twin Brother
with a SPECIAL GUEST APPEARANCE by
COLIN BAKER
as COMMANDER MAXIL
Written by
BARNABY EATON-JONES & RON BRUNWIN
Produced and Directed by
KIM JONES
TITLE SEQUENCE & END CREDITS:
Dave Price & Jon Brunton
VIDEO INSERTS: Barnaby Eaton-Jones, Kim Jones, Lucy James & James Hamblett
VIDEO INSERTS EDITOR: Dave Price
PROPS & COSTUME (Design & Construction): Kim Jones
COSTUMES: Cotswold Costumes, Fancy Pants, and OTG
POSTER ARTWORK: Carolyn Edwards
REHEARSAL SPACE: The Royal William, Painswick
With EXTRA SPECIAL THANKS to…
SHAUN LYON & THE GALLIFREY
ONE TEAM
For all their hard work, support and dedication!
THE GALLIFREY 2007 ATTENDEES
For all their laughs, whoops, cheers and ability to ignore a Fire Alarm!
COLIN BAKER’S CAMEO
We, at The OFFSTAGE Theatre Group, were very humbled and honoured to have Colin Baker appear as Commander Maxil in 'The Ten Doctors', performed onstage at Gallifrey 2007. He stole the show. And rightly so.Having met Colin a couple of times and got to know him, it was amazing for us when he actually suggested he appear in the play before it was written (when we found out we'd be at the same convention). His initial amusing thought was that he could play the Seventh Doctor. Ahem.Anyway, we tried to write the best scene we could for him and it seemed to work out rather well. Though, I have to say that Colin himself re-wrote one gag to make it funnier, substituting an acronym we’d made to one that spelled out Peter Davison, as the instrument of torture that was to make Michael Grade 'uncomfortable'.Colin Baker is the loveliest man you could hope to meet and adores his fans. The reception he got when he stepped out of the TARDIS, on stage, as Commander Maxil will live with us (and I expect him) forever. It was truly amazing. It sounds churlish to describe it as something akin to Beatlemania, but it was truly an awe-inspiring crowd reaction.It was the most memorable moment in our five-year history of performing original comedy stage plays based on Doctor Who. Totally and utterly magical.
CLICK HERE FOR REHEARSAL PHOTOS
CLICK HERE FOR PERFORMANCE PHOTOS
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Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Ron Brunwin
PERFORMANCE REPORT
For the second time in 2006, The OFFSTAGE Theatre Group broke its own rules about using a previously performed script. This time, the opportunity was too good to miss. The Doctor Who convention ‘Dimensions 2006’ had the main theme of the Doctor Who TV Movie (starring Paul McGann as the Eighth Doctor, as well as Sylvester McCoy as the Seventh Doctor), as it was exactly ten years since it had aired on BBC1 and in the USA. They also had a reunion of the stars of the TV Movie itself. So, the OFFSTAGE spoof of the TV Movie was an ideal candidate for the Saturday night entertainment. The writers re-visited the script and chopped, changed, re-edited, and tightened the overall product – which was to prove a blessing when it came to squeezing out a few more laughs on this second outing. They even re-christened it with a new title… ‘The Six Million Dollar Fan’.
This time, not every member of the original cast returned to their roles, as a stronger line-up was required to match the stronger script. The rehearsal period was fraught with unexpected difficulty when James Hamblett (see ‘Past Players’) announced his surprise decision to retire from acting altogether, in order to concentrate on the Blues Brothers tribute band he was in. This caused a cast re-shuffle and re-casting. Luckily, this turned out to be a blessing in disguise as the cast all stepped up a gear and produced one of the best Doctor Who shows that OFFSTAGE have performed.
OFFSTAGE were lucky enough to have the co-writer, Ron Brunwin, join them for this convention and he was able to watch his words and jokes come to life on stage. They were also lucky enough to meet up with Dave Price, their genius website guru and originator of the ‘Dimensions’ conventions. The performance of the play itself was the usual high-energy laugh-fest that the audiences of Doctor Who conventions have come to expect from OFFSTAGE, with a packed auditorium in the Main Hall. It was a bittersweet success for OFFSTAGE as this will be their final UK Doctor Who convention before retiring from the circuit. They always wanted to go out whilst the audiences were still laughing and, with an invite to perform at the biggest Doctor Who convention next year (the Los Angeles ‘Gallifrey 18’ in the USA), this was an ideal time to put a full-stop on a journey that started in 2003.
The after-show celebrations were, as usual, highly amusing and driven by the odd alcoholic drink or three. The many in-depth and detailed conversations that were shared that evening ranged from domestic cats to sex, via religion, food, David Darlington, and the ability to create a Paul McGann-voiced ringtones.
Huge thanks have to go to DHC Services, who provided stage support and all our AV needs. They were friendly, professional, helpful, and generous. Big thanks also to Paul Taylor and all at Tenth Planet, who invited us to perform at ‘Dimensions’.
THE
PLAYERS
(in order of first appearance)
JOHN LOMAS
– President Borusa (of the FOX Network)
LUCY JAMES – Miss Flavia (the President’s secretary)
FRANCIS MOLONEY – Philip Segal (Producer of the TV
Movie)
BARNABY EATON-JONES – The Eighth Doctor/Paul McGann
DAVID RATTY – The Master (Anthony Ainley/Gordon Tipple)/Chinese
Hoodlum #2/Surgeon One/Californian Highway Patrol Officer
IAN KUBIAK – Seventh Doctor/The Master (Roger Delgado)/Chang
Lee
LIZ HOSLER – Chinese Hoodlum #1/Billie Piper
SOPHIE JONES – Chinese Hoodlum #3/Surgeon Two/Auton
Bride
KIM JONES – Doctor Grace Holloway
GAZ RICKETTS – The Master (Eric Roberts)
Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Ron Brunwin
Directed by Kim Jones & Barnaby Eaton-Jones
Produced by Kim Jones
Extra Costumes:
Fancy Pants
Screen Painting: Kim Jones & Liz Hosler
Prop Designing & Constructing: Kim Jones
TARDIS Console: Kim Jones & Liz Hosler
Rehearsal Space: The Royal William, Painswick
Poster design: Carolyn Edwards
CLICK HERE FOR REHEARSAL PHOTOS
CLICK
HERE FOR PERFORMANCE PHOTOS
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Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Ron Brunwin
PERFORMANCE REPORT
After quite a long break, the OFFSTAGE/DOCTOR WHO machine was dusted off, plied with oil, started up and driven away at high speed. This time the destination was Cardiff, home of the new Doctor Who series that has become such an unrivalled success on BBC1 again. As the main guest at ‘Ascension’ (run by a lovely lady called Heather Amos) was the enigmatic Paul McGann, the remit was to spoof his one and only TV appearance as the Eighth Doctor. He has since reprised his role in a popular on-going series of audios by the Big Finish company, but this Anglo-American TV Movie – with the working title ‘The Enemy Within’ - briefly revived Doctor Who in the 1990’s to great success (nine million viewers on BBC1).
The big coup for OFFSTAGE was that Paul McGann himself had agreed to cameo in the play but, sadly, due to the schedule over-running and his then limited time to eat lunch, he had to back out with many apologies. However, word reached OFFSTAGE that he’d watched the last fifteen minutes of the performance from the doorway and was laughing loud and heartily.
‘The Enemy Without’ saw Barnaby Eaton-Jones attempt another Doctor Who script with a co-writer. This time it was Ron Brunwin, who turned out to be a thoroughly splendid chap with a bag full of brilliant ideas and a sack full of talent. Barnaby had vowed never to work with a co-writer again after an unpleasant parting from his earlier Doctor Who co-writer, Vince Stadon, but fortunately Ron was a totally different kettle of fish. The script was produced in a frantic period of a week, with Ron providing the initial first draft and structure.
The cast, some of whom were new to OFFSTAGE and our Doctor Who shows, some of whom had been there at the beginning, and some of whom who joined halfway through the Doctor Who experience, were all fired up and raring to go. A two-week rehearsal period for a 45-minute play was bordering on the edge of Mount Silliness, but they all strapped on their walking boots, pulled tight on their climbing ropes, and scaled the heights with aplomb. All of the cast were in agreement that this was the funniest rehearsal period they’d experienced, with laughs a-plenty and a pace that would have shamed a Grand National winner.
The performance itself seemed to go down very well indeed. So much so, that the cast had trouble keeping a straight face themselves in certain parts – throwing ad-libs out like there was no tomorrow – and the warmth, generosity and appreciation that the audience gave them was second to none. It was unanimously agreed that this was one of the highpoints of their Doctor Who convention appearances. All in all, a top-notch cast delivered the laughs in front of a gorgeous audience and a fast-paced script worked better than Barnaby or Ron could’ve hoped. Big thanks to all the Paul McGann fans (especially those of you on the front row – you know who you are!) that got every reference, every in-joke and every ‘Withnail & I’ line!!
THE CAST:
Iain
Barton – President Borusa (Fox Network)
Lucy James – Miss Flavia (The Secretary)
Aaron Jones – Philip Segal (The Schoolboy)
David Ratty - The Master (Anthony Ainley)/Surgeon Two/American
Cop
Barnaby Eaton-Jones – Eighth Doctor (Paul McGann)
Ian Kubiak – Seventh Doctor (McCoy)/The Master (Roger
Delgado)/Chang Lee
Kim Jones – Grace Holloway (Amazing Grace)
Francis Moloney – Surgeon One (Massive Seizure)/Dancing
Auton
Gaz Ricketts – Master (Eric Roberts)
Liz Hosler – Billie Piper (Rose)
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones
‘The Enemy Without’ Poster by Suzanne Macey
Big thanks also go to…
The Royal
William, Cranham
The Queen Victoria, Brockworth
Heather Amos and Paul McGann for the convention
Jo, Sair, Suzanne, Pam, Sara & Lize for the laughs & the photos/footage
Click here for performance photos
Click here for rehearsal photos
By Barnaby Eaton-Jones
‘Doctor Who: Who Am I?’ was an experiment in ‘live’ audio. Hoping to recreate the atmosphere of such BBC Radio comedies as ‘The Goons’, ‘Dead Ringers’ and ‘Round The Horne’, The OFFSTAGE Theatre Group decided to try and entertain the attendees as part of the Saturday night entertainment for ‘Doctor Who & The Daleks II’ (the second Liverpool convention in 2004 – see ‘DALEK RE:PLAY’ for performance report on the first Liverpool convention).
The script was written in a rush after the writer was offered a full-time writing job and, subsequently, had less than two days to put together an hour-and-a-half long show. The rehearsals were a manic two-weeks (after a prior commitment to a ‘Robin of Sherwood’ convention over-ran the original rehearsal schedule) and the added visual aid of costume changes made the eight actors rush around the four microphones like startled rabbits. The basic idea was to take the story of ‘Charlie & The Chocolate Factory’ and shoehorn it around the Big Finish 3-CD Audio Adventure for Doctor Who’s 40th Anniversary, ‘Zagreus’. Also included were references to ‘The Five Doctors’, ‘The Two Doctors’, ‘Dimensions In Time’ and ‘Withnail & I’ and the upcoming new BBC revamp of the ‘Doctor Who’ series (starring Christopher Eccleston and Billie Piper).
It was a script packed full of plot and gags. A little too-packed maybe. The audience were in fine form from the beginning and were laughing at every single joke. However, it was felt that the complicated plot sometimes confused them and a few ‘lulls’ in pace deadened the humour. Luckily, these were only minor but all of the OFFSTAGE actors rallied round with very strong performances (eight actors portraying something like 40 characters – with costume changes sometimes between two lines of dialogue!!).
There were many highlights during the audio play but the biggest laugh came at the end when, to the strains of the Billie Piper hit ‘Because We Want To’, the new leads for the BBC Series stepped out of the TARDIS (Mike Hall, the convention organiser, being such a perfect Christopher Ecclestone double that the audience were nearly convinced that it actually was the newest Doctor Who!! Kim Jones danced away behind Mike Hall, looking for all the world like Billie Piper, whilst Francis Moloney pursued them both as a rather-too-convincing Auton).
Mention must be made of the ‘newbies’ in the OFFSTAGE cast (all first-timers to the well-oiled OFFSTAGE/DOCTOR WHO machine!!) – Gaz Ricketts, Liz Hosler & James Hamblett – who all took time to study their characters on video and audio in order to recreate the Brigadier (“Egocentric chaps, all of them!”), Charley Pollard (“Doctor, what’s happened to you?!”) and the Sixth Doctor (“Perpigillium BROWN!”) - amongst others!. David Ratty shone out with his usual urbane villainy as The Master (“Try it Doctor, it’s as easy as… Fizzy-Lifting Drink!”), and his attempt to use his Tissue Compression Eliminator in the light of many rude jokes was a joy to behold. He also showed the audience his Terrance Dicks (“Gween!”), without being arrested. Kim Jones, when not dancing as Billie Piper, had the difficult job of being Romana II (“I am the noblest Romana of them all!”), Tegan (“It’s an entry coder!”) and Ace (“Shut yer face, Professor!”) within quick rotation and mastered each voice perfectly. Francis Moloney brought his usual high-octane performance to the Fifth Doctor (“It’s the high bombardment of Jeremy Irons!”), whilst Ian Kubiak put his hours of practicing Sylvestor McCoy and Paul McGann voices to good use as the Seventh (“Accceee!!”) and Eighth Doctor (“I am not the Doctor! I am WILLY WONKA!!”) respectively. Barnaby became Gary Russell, with the permission of Gary himself, and his Fourth Doctor (“Would you like a jelly baby?”) grew visibly old before everyone’s eyes during ‘The Leisure Hive’.
There also was an added surprise in the late Jon Pertwee’s vocal performance, not as the Third Doctor but as Worzel Gummidge. His conversations with the Eighth Doctor/Willy Wonka were a joy to behold (and an absolute swine to write, so I’m told!).
All in all it was a funny show and a brave attempt to recreate the feel of recording a ‘live’ audio. As an experiment it worked well, and a 200-strong audience certainly enjoyed it, but it was definitely a one-off!
Big thanks must go out to:
Mike Hall
and the gang for having us back again.
Keith Hallam for doing our Sound Effects.
Carolyn Edwards for her superb poster design.
Dave Price for his never-ending support, ideas, and creative
genius.
Rob Shearman and Mitch Benn for saying such
nice things about the show.
Gary Russell for his support and sense of humour.
Ray Jones for creating the Sound Effects CD.
John Dorney for his shared ideas.
And Dale Who for his witticisms.
An edited audio version of this performance may well be available soon. If you’re very unlucky!! Keep an eye on the OFFSTAGE ‘News’ page.
(Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones except * re-written from a script by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Vince Stadon)
PERFORMANCE REPORT:
To round off 12 months of Doctor Who spoofery, OFFSTAGE were asked back to the popular convention run by 10th Planet to perform another sketch show. Being as they had only just finished rehearsing and peforming ‘DALEK RE:PLAY’, Barnaby had two days to write a few new sketches (and re-write an old one!) and the cast had a week to rehearse it.
It was called ‘Full Circle’ for two reasons – firstly, because they were returning to the scene of their very first Doctor Who show (‘ARRANT NONSENSE’ at last year’s Invasion 3), and secondly, because Adric was not only the main focus of one sketch, but was also the scene-shifter!
Allowed to perform on the actual stage in the Lecture Hall this time, they draw a very respectable audience (the Hall held 100 people and they managed to fill three quarters of it), considering a once-in-a-lifetime photoshoot for Doctor Who fans was going on at the same time. Mary Tamm & Lalla Ward (the two Romanas) were appearing in photos with fans.
Starting and ending their show with a spoof of ‘The Two Ronnies’, called ‘The Two Romanas’, was inspired - considering the guest list at this Invasion convention (as mentioned above). News items were delivered, akin to the start and the finish of the Two Ronnies show, delivering gags about Doctor Who. Both actresses not only looked (and were dressed) like both incarnations of Romana, but the joke was made by them both wearing big black-rimmed spectacles. If they’d have known John Levene was appearing here too, they would have twisted his arm to have appeared as Sergeant Benton (who did pop up in ‘Terror Of The Error Of The Autons’). The audience particularly liked ‘Adric’s Funeral’, where we saw a huge inflatable globe hit Adric who died promptly. Then, we had eulogies from the Reverend, the Fifth Doctor, Tegan, the Master & Romana II.
OFFSTAGE even had people coming up to them afterwards to apologise for missing the show (because of being stuck in autograph queues or the photo studio), as they’d seen previous productions and were eager for more tomfoolery.
And talking of Tomfoolery, the actor who played the Fourth Doctor couldn’t resist running up to the Photo Studio afterwards and having his photo taken (in costume and character) with the two Romanas. Luckily, they entered into the spirit of the occasion. Lalla Ward, in particular, remarking that the voice was worryingly similar to Tom Baker’s, and giggling. She also taught the actor how to do the infamous ‘hand forward’ pose towards the camera lens, by completely obscuring her face!! Huge thanks to Lalla & Mary for being such good sports.
SKETCHES & CAST:
‘The Two Romanas’ (Start)
Emma Vogwell – Romana, Sophie Jones – Romana II
‘Genius Of The Daleks’
Barnaby
Eaton-Jones – 4th Doctor, Kim Jones –
Davros
Francis Moloney – Nyder
‘Adric’s Funeral’
Ian Kubiak
– Adric, Barnaby Eaton-Jones – The Reverend Counter
Sophie Jones – Romana II, Emma Vogwell
– Tegan
Francis Moloney – 5th Doctor, David Ratty –
The Master
‘Terror Of The Error Of The Autons’ *
Barnaby
Eaton-Jones – 3rd Doctor, Kim Jones –
Liz Shaw
Emma Vogwell – The Brigadier, Francis Moloney
– Sergeant Benton
Ian Kubiak – Captain Mike Yates, David Ratty
– The Master
Huge Green Rubber Tentacle – Himself
‘The Two Romanas’ (End)
Emma Vogwell – Romana, Sophie Jones – Romana II
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones
(Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones)
Performed at the Liverpool Dr Who convention 'Dr Who & the Daleks' - March 2004
PERFORMANCE REPORT:
It was at ‘Dimensions 2003’, after watching the audience’s reaction to ‘Me & My Shada’, that Indelible Promotions approached OFFSTAGE to perform at their Liverpool convention in 2004 – ‘Dr Who And The Daleks’.
As with every OFFSTAGE Dr Who production, something new and original had to be written. So, Barnaby hit on the idea of spoofing every Dalek story ever shown (apart from ‘Mission To The Unknown’) – even the Peter Cushing movies. And so, ‘DALEK RE:PLAY’ was born.
A very fun rehearsal period was enhanced by the return of every cast member OFFSTAGE wanted to work with (excluding Tim Baldwin, who was ruled out because of a new job). Poo-poohing the use of Ring Modulators, the three actors who were attempting to re-create the three different Davros’s (or Davrii, to use the plural term), quickly found that their vocal chords were being ripped to shreds in rehearsal. However, they perservered. One of the cast, who is a builder by trade, offered to build them their own Davros (for a few wads of cash). It took him just two days and was perfect in every respect. He should make them for a living!
When arriving at the convention, and due to a mix-up in communication, OFFSTAGE had the unenviable task of having to cut the Davros mask provided (by Andy Shaw, of Shawcraft Robotics), so it would fit on the actor’s heads and they’d be able to see and breath whilst inside it. OFFSTAGE would like to thank Andy Shaw for allowing this to happen and being so generous. Even with eye-holes made in the mask, one of the actors nearly blacked out in the Sixth Doctor section and the performance DVD clearly shows this up!
DALEK RE:PLAY was the evening entertainment – another full-length play, with an interval, akin to ‘DÉJÀ VU’ – and there couldn’t have been a better audience for it. 200+ people were seated in the Main Hall to see what OFFSTAGE would come up with this time. They errupted with laughter from the very start, when the 1st Doctor scared Barbara with a sink-plunger.
Popular consensus suggests that this was the very best OFFSTAGE show to date, just edging out the twisted logic and comic confusion of ‘ME & MY SHADA’ and the fast-paced and frantic ’40 YEARS IN 40 MINUTES’. Many highlights were brought to the cast’s attention after the play was finished, including: Michael Knight’s accidental appearance in ‘Genesis Of The Daleks’; the fantastic title sequences for each ‘story’ (created by Dave Price, and showing the actor – in costume – who was next appearing as the Doctor. The Hartnell and Troughton ones were even in black & white!); Katarina and Sara Kingdom’s appearances as blow-up skeletons; stuttering Likely Lad Stein; Jo Grant’s naked dash across stage to recreate the famous ‘Nude Pose With Dalek’ moment; the Third Doctor’s Venusian Karate fight with a Guerilla Assasin whilst still drinking a glass of wine and explaining the theory of time travel; Peri’s usage of her natural assets; Cilla Black’s appearance in ‘Destiny Of The Daleks (Dating)’; and many more.
John Levene (Sergeant Benton, UNIT regular, from the Jon Pertwee (Third Doctor) era of Doctor Who) was in the audience and was kind enough to enthuse over the performance and the writing afterwards, gathering the cast together to give them his experiences as a Hollywood Producer. Also suggesting they should get a show-reel together and pointing out that every single person was talented and the comic timing was superb – something, he admitted, he wasn’t expecting. He pointed out that ‘celebrities’ would normally never watch amateurs performing as, nine times out of ten, it would be appalling. But, as he so vehemently assured us, we were an undiscovered gem. OFFSTAGE would like to thank John Levene for all the kind words and encouragement he gave them.
DALEK RE:PLAY would not have been as funny without the brilliant comic timing of Dale Who (encased in Gareth T Dalek), who supplied the Dalek for every section of the play. Made even more amazing by the fact that he hadn’t ever rehearsed with OFFSTAGE at all until the actual day of the performance.
To end, OFFSTAGE would like to thank Mike Hall (and all the gang) for allowing them to create merry havoc with their evening entertainment. Once more, the cast retired to the bar after the play to get very drunk and harrass Dave Price, Gary Russell, Nick Briggs & Conrad Westmaas. In a nice way, of course.
THE CAST:
James Barrasford-Lane
– Eric Saward/6th Doctor
Iain Barton – Doctor Who/Peter Cushing/3rd Doctor/Harry/Kiston
(Dirty Den)
Kathryn Hopkins – Victoria/Sarah-Jane/Movellan/Peri/Professor
Rachel
Barnaby Eaton-Jones – Steven Taylor/Jamie/Guerilla
Assasin/4th Doctor/Davros (Molloy)/Terry Molloy/8th Doctor
Kim Jones – Polly/Jo Grant/Davros (Wisher)/Romana II/Ace
Sophie Jones – Barbara/Cilla Black/Tegan/Little Girl
Ian Kubiak – 2nd Doctor/Davros (Gooderson)/Turlough/7th
Doctor
Francis Moloney – Bret Vyon/Mr Spock/The Brigadier/5th
Doctor/Group Captain ’Chunky’ Gilmore
David Ratty – Ben/The Master/Stien/David Gooderson
Bob Roberts – 1st Doctor/Nyder/Tony Hancock/Policeman
Title Sequences by Dave Price & Brian Taylor
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones
(Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones)
Performed at the London Dr Who convention 'Panopticon 40' - November 2003
PERFORMANCE REPORT:
PanoptiCon has been, in the past, the biggest and best (and certainly most well-known) Doctor Who convention. To mark the 40th Anniversary, PanoptiCon was expected to be amazing.
This is why OFFSTAGE were eager to perform there. It had been their intention, from the very start, to get to PanoptiCon. Andrew Beech & Gareth Roberts had mulled over the idea since meeting some of the cast at the very last Longleat Doctor Who day.
Having watched their succesful performances at ‘Dimensions 2003’, they finally gave the go-ahead for OFFSTAGE to perform something totally new (as always!), at PanoptiCon. The only trouble was, this was just over a fortnight before the convention itself! So, Barnaby hastily wrote (and re-wrote) the script, taking the idea from the Reduced Shakespeare Company (who do Shakespeare plays in comedic form, very very quickly!), and came up with ’40 YEARS IN 40 MINUTES’. A very fast, very frantic, very funny run-through of the entire history of Doctor Who, right up to the Richard E Grant webcast on BBCi.
The rehearsal period was barely two weeks, so it was a bit intense!! Ten actors were playing 40 different characters (with very fast costume changes). The dress rehearsal (the day before) was something of a shambles. Nobody managed to get changed in time, everyone got very confused, and we seriously hoped that adrenaline would see us through over the weekend!!
Having originally thought we’d be performing on the Main Stage, before the DWAS Awards, we discovered that we’d been put in the Screening Room instead. Not deterred, the first performance managed to round up 100 people, who all throughly loved it. Because of the great buzz that was created, we were asked to perform twice on the Sunday, so that more people could see us.
On the Sunday, both performances were packed out (with people cramming in and standing at the back) and OFFSTAGE stepped up a gear to try and give the best performance possible. They even improvised a completely new bit where the Eighth Doctor and the TV Movie Master had their climatic fight in slow motion.
A very funny weekend which, despite the confusion of many fans who didn’t know where most panels, talks & screenings were taking place (and some very unhelpful staff at the Hotel, who couldn’t speak English!), OFFSTAGE managed to be one of the highlights for fans that caught the show – along with the first convention appearance of Paul McGann! Nice company to be in!!
THE CAST:
Tim Baldwin
– Scary Alien/2nd Doctor/UNIT Soldier/Harry/Turlough/The TV Movie Master
James Barrasford-Lane – Narrator/BBC Presenter/American
Cop/Vicar
Iain Barton – Abraham Lincoln/3rd Doctor/The Brigadier/6th
Doctor
Kathryn Hopkins – Zoe/Leela/Peri/Mel
Barnaby Eaton-Jones – 8th Doctor/Jamie/The Delgado
Master/4th Doctor/Kamelion/Ken Dodd
Kim Jones – Grace/Jo Grant/Sarah-Jane/Romana II/Ace
Sophie Jones – Susan/Liz Shaw/Tegan/Charley Pollard
Ian Kubiak – Dalek/CSO Man/Davros/Adric/7th Doctor
Francis Moloney – Bret Vyon/The Brigadier/Davros/5th
Doctor
Bob Roberts – 1st Doctor/Ainley Master/Richard Hurndall/Richard
E Grant
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones
Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Vince Stadon
PERFORMANCE REPORT & CAST:
'Just William'
This sketch explored
the casting of William Hartnell as the First Doctor. There is a consensus
of opinion amongst fans that William Hartnell was a doddery, old ham who couldn’t
remember his lines and kept getting them wrong during his three-year tenure
as the Doctor. What they fail to realise is that he was PLAYING A PART and
was a very good actor indeed (winning enormous critical acclaim for film roles
in ‘Brighton Rock’ and ‘This Sporting Life’, amongst
others). Maybe.
The audience really warmed to a pre-Doctor Who sketch, with much amusement
and merriment caused by seeing William Hartnell as an actor who was nothing
like the character he played, until an unfortunate accident with a cricket
bat. The surprise appearance of Ray Cusick, with his original Dalek prototype
generated some of the biggest laughs in this quirky sketch.
Bob Roberts
– William Hartnell, Kim Jones – Verity Lambert
Barnaby Eaton-Jones – Donald Tosh, David Ratty
– Ray Cusick
‘Monsters Inc’
The Master is the Doctor’s best enemy. Unfortunately, so are Davros, the Cybermen, the Sontarans, and The Rani. Oh, and don’t forget Omega. (The Terrible Zodin fails to appear, as she was busy Kangaroo hopping).
This was a sketch built on a mistaken premise. What if the Master sent out invitations to all the Doctor’s greatest enemies to form an alliance? It would be a Party of powerful people. So, receiving invitations, asking them to come and join the Master’s Evil Party, all the greatest enemies jumped at the chance… expecting free food, disco dancing, and possibly a game of Spin The Bottle. You see? They thought it was akin to a Birthday Party. Doh!! The confusion caused by this and the Master’s ever-more-frustrated attempts to get them to join forces culminated in an appearance by Omega. Who had a much better party going on back at his place, with balloons and everything. Ah well, you can’t win them all. The Master’s sexy, domineering assitant (Tanya Hide – and she would, for the right money), is all the consolation the Master needed.
David Ratty
– The Master, Kim Jones – Tanya Hide
Ian Kubiak – Davros , Francis Moloney
– Cyberman
Iain Barton – Sontaran, Sophie Jones
– The Rani
‘Anger Management’
Colin Baker’s Sixth Doctor was lumbered with Bonnie Langford’s Mel, however briefly. It was a match made in Hell. In this sketch we saw their obvious love for each other (ahem), the obvious love for a certain ex-controller of BBC1 (ahem), no violence whatsoever (ahem), and no plagiarism of a very famous Monty Python sketch (ahem).
The audience were intrigued to see the pairing of the Sixth Doctor and Mel in this chucklesome sketch. They were even more surprised to see Spanish-speaking Sontarans (who’d stayed behind after ‘The Two Doctors’, to soak up some sun). But, most surprising of all, they were left reeling when the actress playing Melanie Bush actually did hit a Top ‘C’ in a screaming fit. Apparently, there were complaints of audience members losing their hearing at this outburst. I was stood next to her when her tonsils exploded and I can safely say that I never heard anything. At all. Ever again. That’ll teach me.
Iain Barton
– 6th Doctor, Kathryn Hopkins – Melanie Bush
Bob Roberts – Sontaran Leader, Ian Kubiak –
Sontaran Soldier
‘Countdown To Danger!’
How many Doctors does it take to save the Universe? How many villains does it take to try and stop him? How many companions does it take to try and help? Good question. This sketch doesn’t really provide the answer but it gives it a very quick trial-run.
Starting with an annoying computer voice predicting the End Of The Universe in roughly three minutes (and counting), enter the breathless Fifth Doctor to save the day. Enter the evil Ainley Master to thwart him. Enter the brave Third Doctor to save the day. Enter the evil Delgado Master to thwart him. Enter the beautiful Romana to save the day. Much confusion ensues. Finally, enter the perky Romana II to save the day (in a school uniform – well, why not?!), with one second to spare. The audience were left as out of breath as the actors.
Ian Kubiak
– Computer Voice, Francis Moloney – 5th Doctor
Barnaby Eaton-Jones - The Ainley Master, Bob Roberts
– 3rd Doctor
David Ratty - The Delgado Master, Kim Jones
- Romana
Sophie Jones – Romana II
‘Blind Date’
The idea of a generic female companion trying to choose which of the Doctor’s she wants to travel with (will it be Colin Baker’s Sixth, Sylvestor McCoy’s Seventh, or Paul McGann’s Eighth?!) fitted the ‘Blind Date’ format perfectly. So there. And, of course, the Eighth Doctor gets a snog.
This is a crowd favourite, without a doubt. Originally performed, to gales of laughter, at ‘Beyond The Sofa’, this was resurrected at ‘Dimensions 2003’ with even better results.
Iain Barton
– 6th Doctor, Ian Kubiak – 7th Doctor
Barnaby Eaton-Jones – 8th Doctor, Kim Jones
– Nurse Justine
David Ratty – Voice
‘Love Story’
Sadly, because the BBC had no idea how long ‘Doctor Who’ was going to run, they ‘junked’ a lot of early stories. Most of the ‘Missing Stories’ are from Patrick Troughton’s time as the Second Doctor. This sketch was all about Zoe & Jamie’s burgeoning relationship and the Second Doctor’s battle to save his own memories.
Having Jamie try and recite a love letter he’d written to a companion who was more interested in her giant calculator, caused much hilarity. Their gradual realisation of their love for each other was constantly interrupted (many times), just before their lips met, with the Second Doctor’s frantic appearance on the TARDIS scanner. The combination of live action and pre-recorded sequences created an original and highly comedic sketch that bordered on pure farce. Of course, the tight-fitting silver catsuit of Zoe’s (and possibly Jamie’s slightly-too-wee kilt) helped concentrate the audience’s attention!!
Barnaby
Eaton-Jones – Jamie, Kathryn Hopkins –
Zoe
Filmed Inserts of Tim Baldwin as the 2nd Doctor
All in all, ‘Adventures In Tyne & Space’, was warmly received by an appreciative audience of North East convention goers (surely, some of the friendliest fans in fandom!), and we’d like to thank everyone in the packed Main Hall who watched and laughed and clapped for each sketch. Even the ones who had to leave early to get in an Autograph Queue.
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones
Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Vince Stadon
PERFORMANCE REPORT:
This celebratory mini-play kicked off the ‘Dimensions 2003’ convention. And it is very complicated. Oh dear. I’ll try and explain.
Tom Baker’s Fourth Doctor had an uncompleted, unbroadcast story called ‘Shada’, written by Douglas Adams (he of ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy’ fame). Douglas Adams used this unbroadcast script as the basis of a novel called ‘Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency’ a few years later. However, ‘Shada’ eventually became available on video, with linking narration by Tom Baker - Follow me so far?
When ‘Doctor Who celebrated it’s 20th Anniversary with a story called ‘The Five Doctors’, Tom Baker refused to appear, so footage from ‘Shada’ was used (fooling the fans into thinking he had actually filmed something new, however brief, for this reunion story). Fast forward to this year and the present Doctor (Paul McGann, who starred in the TV Movie in 1996) is centre-stage in a story called ‘Shada’, presented as an audio (with pictures) over the internet on the BBC website, which is a remake of the original ‘Shada’ and tries to incorporate (a) the fact it never got shown, and (b) why a snippet of it appeared in ‘The Five Doctors’ - Phew! I think I’m going to lie down. But, hang on… Tom Bakers ex-wife Lalla Ward, who co-incidentally played ‘Romana’ (companion to the Fourth Doctor, who was co-incidentally played by Tom Baker) managed to appear in all THREE versions of ‘Shada’ (the unfinished one, the clip in ‘The Five Doctors’ and the 2003 webcast version) - Phew!
So, never one to shirk a challenge, the writers wondered what it would be like if Tom Baker’s Fourth Doctor had stayed ‘trapped’ in The Death Zone on Gallifrey (‘The Five Doctors’) and bumped into Paul McGann’s Eighth Doctor, with his old companion Romana, and… Do you know what? I could write a thesis on this sketch. Those of the audience who knew EVERYTHING about ‘Doctor Who’ got every joke and reference.
The REST of them just laughed at all the rude jokes.
THE CAST:
Barnaby
Eaton-Jones – 4th Doctor, Kim Jones
– Romana II |
Ian
Kubiak – 8th Doctor, Francis Moloney –
Rassilon |
Ian Kubiak – K9 Voice |
With
pre-recorded cameos from… |
Bob
Roberts – 1st Doctor, Tim Baldwin –
2nd Doctor Barnaby Eaton-Jones – 3rd Doctor, Francis Moloney – 5th Doctor Iain Barton – 6th Doctor, Ian Kubiak – 7th Doctor |
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones
Video Sequences
filmed by Brian Cleckner
Click
here for photos
Written by Barnaby EatonJones & Vince Stadon
PERFORMANCE REPORT:
After the success of ‘DÉJÀ VU OF THE DOCTORS’, OFFSTAGE were approached by Terry Smith (owner of a Gold Dalek, no less, and Pet Shop Boys tribute band originator) to be the entertainment at a ‘Doctor Who Fun Day’, taking place at Wood Norton Hall (famous for being the location of ‘Spearhead From Space’ and ‘Robot’).
Heeding the hit and miss reaction to ‘ARRANT NONSENSE’, the writers took the lessons they had learned and created a totally different type of sketch show. Splitting it into two parts, with more emphasis on the Pertwee and Tom Baker era (because of the connection to Wood Norton Hall). However, learning that Colin Baker and Terry Molloy were going to be Guests Of Honour, they decided a Davros sketch and a sketch involving the Sixth Doctor were necessary.
Upon reaching the convention, it was a lovely surprise to see how many families were present. Little kids were running about and OAPS were shuffling about. With everyone in-between just strolling. Colin Baker was persuaded to be the Guest Narrator (which he kindly agreed to do if the writer present – Barnaby – wrote him so funny lines, so Barnaby frantically cobbled a script together for Mr Baker and is still very proud to say that Colin Baker has performed his original work!!). He introduced Parts One & Two of the show.
Part One was so much of a success that there was a real buzz about the place whilst the lunch-time interval took place before Part Two. In fact, the room only held 60 people, but it was full to bulging – with people crammed inside on what was a very hot and sunny day. A relaxed, friendly atmosphere created the perfect environment for a comedy sketch show and everything went down like a cool glass of chilled wine. It ended with a photocall with the multitude of Daleks that had arrived in force (not an Invasion Force, surely?!) throughout the day. In costume, Doctors 3 to 8 (and the Master too) were surrounded by Daleks and cameras flashed faster than a dirty old man in a raincoat.
The highlight for the crowds outside was Colin Baker, Terry Molloy and a host of Daleks all singing ‘Happy Birthday to Who’, before cutting a TARDIS cake and selling pieces off for charity. Superb.
The sun shone gloriously, the crowds laughed uproariously, and the cast adjourned to the pub to get deliriously drunk. It was a ‘Doctor Who Fun Day’ in every sense of the word.
THE SKETCHES:
 |
INTRODUCTION
With heaps of thanks to Colin Baker! |
 |
COUNTDOWN
TO DANGER! In which the Fifth Doctor races against the clock to prevent the complete destruction of everything, while an unhelpful computer and some unexpected visitors make things even more difficult for him... |
 |
COMEDY
SONG In which an evil criminal mastermind demonstrates his wickedness by singing. Bit like Darius. |
 |
ERROR
OF THE AUTONS In which the newly-regenerated Third Doctor comes to terms with his new appearance, Liz Shaw regrets ever leaving Cambridge, the Brigadier wishes he joined the regular army, and the OFFSTAGE Theatre Group regret not having the funds to stage a full Auton Invasion. |
 |
GENIUS
OF THE DALEKS In which the Fourth Doctor pits his wits against the creator of the Daleks, and wishes he had a whoopie cushion to hand. |
 |
TRUST
IN ME In which the Third Doctor has trouble with both his script and his automobile, and a fellow of ill-character endeavours to live down his reputation. |
 |
BLIND
DATE In which a young lady seeks a husband amongst a gathering of Doctors. Will true love conquer all? |
THE CAST:
Anthony
Baldwin – 3rd Doctor/The Delgado Master/6th Doctor
Tim Baldwin – 3rd Doctor/The Ainley Master/Cheesy Voiceover
Lisa Hamner-O’Neill – Romana II
Barnaby Eaton-Jones – 3rd Doctor/The Brigadier/4th
Doctor/8th Doctor
Kim Jones – Liz Shaw/Romana/Nurse Justine
Ian Kubiak – Computer Voice/Auton/Davros/Rassilon/7th
Doctor
Francis Moloney – 5th Doctor
Special thanks to Colin Baker
Extra special thanks to Vince Stadon for the images
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones
Above image by Barnaby Eaton-Jones
Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Vince Stadon
PERFORMANCE REPORT:
After a long gestation and rehearsal period (in which several actors were approached – and some even cast – in the difficult role of the Timelord Narrator, and which wasn’t filled until halfway through the rehearsal period after somebody dropped out and somebody else suggested somebody else, etc, etc), ‘Déjà Vu Of The Doctors’ took the DESTINY convention by storm, as the Saturday night entertainment.
A full-length comedy play, which had a third chopped out of it on the advice of Rob Shearman and Jac Rayner, with an interesting plot and a brilliant end twist that put ‘The Sixth Sense’ to shame. Les Hollis & Paul R Jones (Vortex Events) travelled down to Gloucester to see how the play was shaping up, and their laughter and encouragement lifted the cast for the final period of intense rehearsal.
To be honest, nobody knew how the play would be received. Not the writers and certainly not the actors (most of whom weren’t even Doctor Who fans!). But, when the audience whooped with delight at the very first joke, OFFSTAGE knew they had hit upon a winning formula.
An audience of 200+ people lapped up every joke (however obscure). Backstage, the atmosphere was electric – with every cheer being greeted by much hugging and every round of spontaneous applause being greeted by amazement. Sometimes, a play out-performs all expectations. The cast were riding on a crest of a wave. The hard work and dedication that had gone into months of writing and rehearsals really did pay off. The writers even re-wrote the whole of the Fourth Doctor section two weeks before it was going to be performed, because it was the only bit they felt could really be improved (and improve it they did, as most of the audience singled out this particular section as their personal favourite).
The play was thrown into even more turmoil when, a week before performance, one of the main females fell off a horse and badly injured herself. But, she took heart from the old addage that ‘The Show Must Go On’; travelling up to the convention on an inflatable cushion and a daze of painkillers, and re-blocking the more energetic movements (she was to be swung down into a ‘grand kiss’ in the Eighth Doctor section) to help her get through the play without too much pain.
Amazingly, because of the generous help of the Hyde Fundraisers, OFFSTAGE were able to realise every Monster that they wanted for the play.
At the end of the play, and after a few curtain calls, the OFFSTAGE group retired to the bar and proceeded to drink until breakfast the next day. Les Hollis was heard to grumble that he wouldn’t have bothered paying for their rooms if they were all going to spend the night in the bar!!
Ah, actors. You can’t live with them, you can’t wrestle a mirror off them.
THE CAST:
Anthony
Baldwin – Timelord Narrator
Tim Baldwin – Timelord/2nd Doctor/Charlie Chaplin/Turlough/The
Valeyard
James Barrasford-Lane – The Brigadier/6th Doctor/Doctor
Withnail
Lisa Hamner-O’Neill – Romana I/Romana II/Peri
Kathryn Hopkins – Zoe/Nurse Grace
Barnaby Eaton-Jones – Timelord/Jamie/4th Doctor/8th
Doctor/Marwood
Kim Jones – Barbara/Jo Grant/Ace/Madame President Of
Gallifrey
Sophie Jones – Tegan
Ian Kubiak – Cyberman Voice/Zygon/7th Doctor
Francis Moloney – Cyberman/Sergeant Benton/5th Doctor/Tristan
Farnham
David Ratty – The Delgado Master/The Ainley Master
Bob Roberts – 1st Doctor/Richard Hurndall/3rd Doctor/Worzel
Gummidge/The Black & White Guardian/Draconian
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones
Written by Barnaby Eaton-Jones & Vince Stadon
PERFORMANCE REPORT:
‘ARRANT
NONSENSE’ was the very start of OFFSTAGE’s many Doctor Who shows,
to celebrate the 40th Anniversary (and beyond). It received its premiere on
Sunday 2nd March 2003, at INVASION 3, a one-day Dr Who event hosted by 10th
Planet. Following a day of guest signings and Dr Who talks (by the likes of
William Russell, Bonnie Langford, Kate O'Mara, etc), ARRANT NONSENSE took
to the impromptu stage at Barking Library at about 5pm and, for a full hour,
the cast performed a series of quick-fire comedy sketches and routines.
Admittedly, the 100+ audience were bemused to begin with – not used
to seeing this sort of thing done at a Doctor Who convention. It was something
the writers learned a lot from. As a comedy sketch show, it was undeniably
funny. But, as a Doctor Who sketch show, it didn’t quite hit the mark
as all the subsequent shows would. However, much fun was had when the show
gained speed.
What the writers learnt from this fledging production was the reason the rest
of the Dr Who shows became such successes. An audience of Doctor Who fans
doesn’t particularly want to see a sketch which takes Doctor Who as
the central premise but twists it out of recognition (after all, nobody knows
what the Thirteenth Doctor looks like, so nobody can empathise with him!).
They would rather see a recognisable form of Doctor Who, with characters they
love. It was this simple premise which would form the basis of the rest of
their Doctor Who output.
THE SKETCHES:
‘UNIT Recruitment (Opening Salvo)’ saw the Brigadier, aided (or not, as the case maybe) by a giggling Sergeant Benton, attempt to recruit the whole of the audience into UNIT.
‘Theatre Class’ Four sketches saw two out-of-work and over-the-top actors (Laurence & Olivia) trying to teach the audience how to ‘Act Scared’ when appearing in Doctor Who, then show you how you go about ‘Dying Naturally’ in Doctor Who, followed by ‘Over-Acting’ in Doctor Who, and finally ‘Visiting The Doctor’.
‘Saturday Superstore’ Three sketches saw various customers attempts to buy a Gallifreyan Super-Weapon from a harrassed Shop Assistant. The customers included a Typical Sci-Fi Geek, Gareth T Dalek, and The Master.
‘Evil Since The Dawn Of Time’ saw a man with a secret, sat on a park bench, trying to impart his knowledge to another man who just wants to read his newspaper.
‘A Grand Day Out’ saw the Fourth Doctor taking a break from The Key To Time, and trying to show Romana how to lighten up and have fun.
‘All Good Time Lords Go To Heaven’ featured the Thirteenth Doctor, at the end of his lives, attempting to get into Heaven. St Petra, stood at the Pearly Gates (and standing in for St Peter, who had nipped off for a crafty fag), isn’t sure she should let him in.
‘Storytime: Inferno In Five Minutes’ showed how one actor (with no dialogue, plenty of props, wigs, and costumes from one large box) could re-enact the classic Jon Pertwee story ‘Inferno’ in five minutes, aided by a children’s storyteller.
‘Regeneration’ showed an unspecific Doctor, attempting to regenerate – with the aid of his generic female assistant. The Master’s arrival, as the Doctor finally regenerates, is greeted with confusion as he points out that the Doctor has actually regenerated into himself.
‘Gissa Job!’ showed how a non-plussed Careers Advisor might give some recommendations for new careers to an increasingly-annoyed Dalek.
‘The Master’s Comedy Song’ was short and sweet. And far too filthy to repeat here. Courtesy of Tim Baldwin.
‘UNIT Recruitment (Marching Orders)’ does exactly what it says in the title.
THE CAST:
Tim
Baldwin – Sergeant Benton/The Master/Inferno Actor
Lisa Hamner-O’Neill – Romana/Generic Companion
Barnaby Eaton-Jones – Laurence/4th Doctor/Man On Park
Bench
Kim Jones – Olivia/St Petra
Sophie Jones – Storyteller/Customer
Bob Roberts – The Brigadier/Ian Levine/Regenerating
Doctor/Careers Advisor
Emma Vogwell – Shop Assistant/13th Doctor
Special Appearance by Gareth T Dalek
Produced & Directed by Kim Jones