Ruth Baldwin

Ruth used to be called Ruth Thomas, when she first joined OFFSTAGE. She married Tim, in an attempt to avoid being deported back to Wales. She has a knack of singing ‘Jesus Christ Superstar’ showtunes whilst hoovering. Her lucrative sideline is ‘Moonlighting’ as a Cybill Shephard Look-A-Like. She used to hire herself out as a Bruce Willis Look-A-Like, until people kept pointing out she didn’t look like him.

Tim Baldwin

Tim is the only man we know who can kick holes in solid walls. He married one of the fellow members (Ruth Thomas) and they now have a little son called Adam. He was the original partner of Barnaby Eaton-Jones in The Floor Spots before David Clarke took over and stole all his glory. In his spare time, he is a Jedi Knight and Hobbit.

Claire Bailey

Clare Bailey was a enthusiastic young gymnast, who was proud to show off her assets in Lycra. She joined OFFSTAGE as part of The Trio (as herself, Sarah Hartwell and Julie Dominguez where popularly known) and could perform a cartwheel on request. She won many prizes for her gymnastics and her ability to do the splits at the drop of a hat made every member of OFFSTAGE keep dropping their hats on purpose. She now teaches in the Midlands. And probably has arthritis of the hips.

Paul Birch

Paul is an actor, a writer, and an all-round Christian (that doesn’t mean he worships a fat God). He can spend many happy hours sat in front of an Apple. Nobody has told him that it’s a fruit and not a computer. He can dissect adverts and sitcoms with a critical eye, a sharp tongue, and a wiggle of an eyebrow. He is married to a talented musician called Catherine, who married him as a dare to see if she could teach him to sing.

Clare Chad-Daniels

Clare has a look that suggests that butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth. It does melt in other places, though. She used to be a teacher until she gave it all up to be a Management Consultant. Nobody is quite sure why. Though she does like to dress Managers in school uniforms and give them detentions. Again, nobody is quite sure why. She is so well-organised that her husband has been index-filed, stored in a filing cabinet, and rubber-stamped.

Tom has a degree in Complimentary Medicines. This means, when he gives you some herbal tablets, the herbal tablets actually start saying how nice you look, asking if you’ve had your hair cut recently and commenting on the fact you’ve lost some weight. Maybe. He has aspirations to be a superstar DJ or a Rock Star, and the ability to play anyone’s trumpet if they whip it out. Dirty boy. He also speaks Spanish, though he refuses to say “Just like that!” in any language whilst wearing a Fez.

‘Jools’ (or ‘Speedy’, as she’s now known) was the tallest member of ‘The Trio’ (as Clare Bailey, Sarah Hartwell & herself were popularly known), with a ponytail that could rival Rapunzel. She left OFFSTAGE to ride track bikes for Scotland, hand 10,000-name petitions to Olympic committees, and surf on snow and water. With a board, I hasten to add. She hasn’t got exceptionally large and flat feet.

Nathan Drake

Mr Drake has many strings to his bow. Sadly, he has no arrows. When he’s acting, he’s a frustrated singer. And when he’s singing, he’s a frustrated actor. Whatever he’s doing, the audience are always frustrated. Not only has he been in an excellent band, but he also dabbles with photography. He has moved to Manchester to further his photographic studies. Mainly because he heard a rumour that the topless models work for less money up North.

James Driver

James Driver can hold his own in any acting company. It was one of the main reasons why nobody would stand near him. Sometimes, he’d even hold other people’s too. He took up acting just so that he could get away with wearing tight leather trousers on stage. He is a keen footballer and amateur Robin Gibb impersonator.

Matthew Dunne

Matt spent a lot of his time in OFFSTAGE drinking Dr Pepper’s. However, we don’t know what he was drinking of Dr Pepper’s as he never told us. He would often lie on the floor with a stomach ache and laugh until he farted. This was an endearing hobby. He could speak a few words of Belgian and even fewer words of English. His ability to squeeze into a ‘You Fat Cow’ t-shirt was a secret until this profile became available for public consumption.

Roslynn Fenwick

Roslynn is of Scotch origin. Which basically means she was conceived after too much it was drunk by her parents. She doesn’t eat haggis, she doesn’t wear kilts, but she does have a Scottish Burr (which only her boyfriend and her Doctor are allowed to see). When she smiles, the whole room lights up. This is because she had all her teeth replaced by lightbulbs. She will greet you with a Glasgow Kiss and an Edinburgh Tattoo.

Emma Hartwell

Emma is tall. This is a fact. OFFSTAGE members can only recognise her by her knees. She has the eyes of an Eagle, the instincts of a Tiger, the speed of a Cheetah, and the smell of a Skunk. There is nothing Emma wouldn’t do for OFFSTAGE. And there is nothing OFFSTAGE wouldn’t do for Emma. That’s right. They spend every day doing nothing for each other. Emma Hartwell is an anagram of ‘R Wet Hell Mama’, which sounds vaguely rude.

Sarah Hartwell

Older sister of Emma Hartwell (and Andrew Hartwell), Sarah grew down instead of up and formed a crick in her neck from looking up at her younger siblings. She left OFFSTAGE and married Paul Griggs when she couldn’t think of anything better to do and they ran a pub together. After drinking all the profits, they pursued other ventures and lived happily ever after.

Lou is not a man. And she’ll prove it if you ask her. She has since been let off with a Police Caution. She often likes to boast about her fine pair of assets to anyone and everyone. She’s very proud of these two big assets she has, which stand out more than most people’s, and often get commented on. That’s right. Her two biggest assets are… (1) She’s a brilliant Associate Producer for an independent TV company and (2) Her ability to say the word ‘fantastic’ a lot. And any of you who thought of something different, well, shame on you.

Matt Jenkins

Mr Jenkins is a man with a heart of gold, arteries of silver, and copper piping for veins. He flies high in the RAF Cadets and adheres to the old adage that all women like a man in uniform. Unfortunately, he isn’t that man. He drives faster than the speed of light, which means he never has any headlights.

Claire Nicklin

Claire has the biggest and best smile in the world. She can out-grin Jack Nicholson. If Claire was written by Roger Hargreaves, she’d be Little Miss Sunshine. Although as nervous as a bag of nervous breakdowns which have just been nervously broke down, she disguised it well on stage by fainting a lot. She once formed a double act with Kim Jones, calling themselves Morecambe & Wise. Until someone pointed out that somebody else had been there and done that before them. She is currently doing unspeakable things to people’s feet when they pay her vast sums of money. Which she may get arrested for one day.

Claire Potts

Older sister of James Potts (see below), Claire had the knack of projecting her voice down to a fine art. She was a female Brian Blessed, but refused to grow the beard. She left OFFSTAGE when she left school and never looked back. She couldn’t. She was wearing a neck brace!

James Potts

James Potts had a stab at acting when he couldn’t think of anything else to stab. He once put in a bravado performance playing a disabled deaf and dumb student in one of the early OFFSTAGE plays. This required him to do little else than sit still on the stage for the duration of his scenes and learn no lines whatsoever. Jammy sod.

Emma Roberts

Emma used to be a Wellington. Not the boot variety. Cousin to Lisa (see below), she was involved in OFFSTAGE as a singer. Because of her vocal talents, she’s now moved to Wales to roam about the valleys, practicing her craft.

Vicky Shiach

Vicky Shiach once walked straight into a door and didn’t realise. Her uncanny knack of walking and bumping into anything nearby made her the most accident-prone member of OFFSTAGE that there has ever been. She was writing for a student magazine the last time she was spotted. After speaking to her during the Cheltenham Festival of Literature, when she watched The Floor Spots (see ‘History’) perform, she promptly turned to leave and collided with a pillar.

Kate used to tread the boards when she lived ‘Up North’, but they squeaked a bit and scared her. She’s been working ‘down South’ for a while now, and decided to see if the boards were as squeaky here. Luckily, they weren’t. So, she joined OFFSTAGE to direct, act, sing, dance, and speak in a Northern way – to give us some ethnic diversity. Ahem.

Lisa Wellington

Lisa joined OFFSTAGE because her cousin told her she should. She doesn’t take advice from that particular cousin anymore. She progressed from being a mere actor to become a mere writer. Attempts to combine the two have resulted in a massive ego attack. She has an unhealthy interest in Lady Jane Grey. The worrying thing is, Lady Jane Grey has an unhealthy interest in Lisa Wellington. Spooky.

Nick West

Nick used to be a professional midget, until he outgrow his career. Now, standing proud, he attempts to pass through life with a grin on his face, a pint in his hand, and a inflatable doll as a companion. His is a bundle of nervous energy. In fact, OFFSTAGE’s Lighting Rig was often plugged into him, to light their touring productions. For legal (and hygenic) reasons, we can’t say where we stuck the plug. Soft-hearted and soft-brained, Nick West is the Milky Bar Kid in disguise. And it’s a bloomin’ good disguise.

Hayley Williams

Hayley spent most of her young life being called HAYLEY THOMAS, until she got married. The cheekiest of cheeky girls, she has dimples in her cheeks that everyone describes as ‘cute’. Of course, we’re not telling you if we mean her face or her buttocks. You’ll have to get to the bottom of that one yourself. She is petite, pretty, and precious. In fact, she’s a China Doll and not a human being at all.