PRESENT PLAYERS
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James Barrasford-Lane James originally came from Portsmouth, but nobody seems to hold that against him. A number of people have held themselves against him but he denies any knowledge of this. He sings like an Opera Star, acts like a Movie Star, twinkles like a Shooting Star, and likes the scantily-clad ladies in the Daily Star. He is also very good with his hands, so he says. |
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Iain Barton Iain has his own website. Ooooh!! So, everything you ever wanted to know about him (and some things you just don’t want to know) can be found at: www.iainbarton.co.uk
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David Clarke Big Dave is a Ginger Ninja. He towers above most people in personality, height, and humour. He is a teacher. He won’t tell anyone what he teaches, though. We think it’s Nude Gymnastics On A Trampoline for Old Age Pensioners. He has travelled the world, using his friend Peter Whitton as a makeshift rucksack, and met his good lady partner in Australia. She was hiding behind Ayres Rock, trying to avoid him. Nobody can believe he once bullied Munchkins with a squeaky voice and a whip, during ‘The Wiz’. But, he did. |
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Barnaby Eaton-Jones Barnaby sometimes gets accused of being a human being. He denies this. Actor, writer, singer, composer, juggler, director, producer, poet, and musician. All of these things he can do. None of them very well. He was almost signed to a record deal with a band called Stoned Immaculate, but had to pass on the fame and the floozies because of ill-health. He will try and flog you a CD of their music if you speak to him for too long. |
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James "Scrap" Hamblett Scrap
has Heavy Metal running through his blood. If you cut him, he sparks.
In fact, does that make him Scrap Metal? Hmmm. Younger brother of two
fine actresses in their time, Beth and Annie Hamblett, he decided against
being a fine actress and went off to study Shakespeare and the like
at Worcester University instead. Just don’t ask him to show you
his Lysander or you’ll be in for a rude surprise. A man at one
with black leather (he even wears black leather socks and underpants),
he has - in the past -strummed his instrument in public as rhythm guitarist
on a world tour with gothic rock band Inkubus Sukkubus. He has also
been known to appreciate a bottle of fine red wine. Sometimes he’ll
appreciate several bottles all at once. |
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Kathryn Hopkins Kath is a ‘horse person’. This is not to imply she likes a saddle thrown over her and responds well to sugar-lumps. She has a business degree from the University of Gloucestershire and is proud of the fact, which is worrying, and she likes nothing better (she says) than wearing wellies. She doesn’t say if she is actually wearing anything else. We like nothing better than just imagining that. She sticks by the rule that if you eat small and healthy during the week, you can indulge yourself during the weekends. Ahem. She once force-fed Chocolate Fudge Cake to most of OFFSTAGE and couldn’t stop laughing. |
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Liz Hosler Little Miss Hosler’s first acting role was as a ‘Lake’ in a school production. It was a slow decline from there to the roles of ‘Pond’ and then ‘Puddle’. She loves anything to do with Audrey Hepburn, and hopes one day to study the role of ‘Moon River’. She can sing, she can dance, she can act… and all whilst eating Breakfast At Tiffanys. Sadly, Tiffany was not available for comment. Worryingly, her nickname is ‘Willy’ (perhaps it’s best not to ask her why). She was read ‘Pride & Prejudice’ when she was a youngster and now thinks that, at some point, Mr Darcy will knock on the door in his damp shirt and ask her to reprise the role of ‘Lake’, so that he can swim in her. |
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John Lomas John Lomas is built like a Mighty Oak Tree. We won’t mention his tiny acorns, for fear of retribution. He can do the splits whilst fitting the entire end of a pint glass in his mouth, but is unable to wink with his left eye or whistle a tune. We don’t know why he tried to do this all at once, but there you go. He has recently developed a phobia about Chocolate Digestives. His arms are like Popeye’s and he’s been known to ask ladies to blow his hornpipe. If ever there was an earthquake, the safest place to be would be on his shoulders. Fact. |
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Lucy
'Lou' James Lou
is not a man. And she’ll prove it if you ask her. She has since
been let off with a Police Caution. She often likes to boast about her
fine pair of assets to anyone and everyone. She’s very proud of
these two big assets she has, which stand out more than most people’s,
and often get commented on. That’s right. Her two biggest assets
are… (1) She’s a brilliant Associate Producer for an independent
TV company and (2) Her ability to say the word ‘fantastic’
a lot. And any of you who thought of something different, well, shame
on you. |
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Kim Jones Kim has a BA(Hons) Degree in Theatre Studies from Worcester University. She now knows it's that building with a stage and big curtains. She is a woman of many parts. Part director, part producer, and part actor (which means she has one part missing, surely?!). She re-enacted her favourite fairytale recently with Barnaby. It was ‘Beauty & The Beast’. We’re not saying which part she was. Her only vice is a passion for Garth Brooks. Well, good looks and good taste can't always go together, can they?!
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Sophie Jones Sophie is the more talented sister of Barnaby Jones. Fact. Her ability to laugh the tune of the 'Can-Can' is legendary. She can talk faster than the speed of sound, so will often appear to be speechless. Odd. She always says that a good man is hard to find, which is probably because she’s always looking for bad men. Her addiction to chocolate is worrying and, quite frankly, bloomin’ expensive. |
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Ian Kubiak Ian is someone who combines acting with being a chef. Basically, he pretends he can cook. His catchphrase is ‘Not A Problem’, which is not a problem, until it is a problem and then he gets punched a lot. He is the master of over-exaggeration. He will ask you how you would like to have a million pounds, suggesting that he knows an easy way to obtain it. Then, when you are excited, he’ll inform you that you need to buy a lottery ticket. He can grow a beard within seconds, just by thinking about it. In his spare time, he likes to continue his ever-growing collection of meeting actors from Doctor Who. He does this in the same vein as a butterfly-catcher, by smothering them in arsenic and nailing them to his bedroom wall. When he grows up, he wants to be David Hasselhoff. |
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Francis Moloney Franny admits to knowing the odd thing or two about Doctor Who. In fact, he knows the odd thing or two about everything. He is a walking encyclopedia of knowledge and trivia, getting himself barred from several pubs. Not for his drinking, just because Quiz Night is no fun with Francis around. He once fronted a bizarre band called ‘The Growbags’ – this entailed shouting loudly into a microphone, throwing bags of fertiliser over he audience, and falling on the floor… not necessarily in that order. Sadly, he grew out of that. When he had hair, he often liked to show off his Mohican. Luckily, the Mohican escaped and returned to his native America when the opportunity arose. |
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Charlie Overs Charlie has a degree from the Harper Adams Agricultural College. This means he can stick his hand up a cow’s backside and look intellectual whilst doing it. He is a keen Sports fan, playing Cricket and Rugby in his spare time. He hopes to join a team soon, as he says it’s quite lonely playing on your own. He has a keen love of Shakespeare and a not-so-keen love of the ‘last orders’ bell. His Dad is a Blacksmith. There’s nothing funny about that, we just thought it was interesting fact. |
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Keith Patrick Keith would like to play the ‘great grandson’ of Bob Roberts, in the event of his life-story being set to celluloid. He used to be 6ft 3in and good looking, but got fed up of the attention. He usually cuts the lawn on Sunday and likes a dash of milk and half a sugar in coffee.... and tea. Keith would definitely be a millionaire if he had more money. He smiles occasionally. |
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Alison Pyne Alison started acting when she was no taller than a giraffe with no legs and a broken neck. She has acted, danced & sang her way through life. Reality is something she tries to avoid. She is probably one of OFFSTAGE's most famous alumni. She has been a Weather Girl on TV, sung songs on BBC Radio, and modelled high-class jewellery. Is there nothing this girl won’t do for a fistful of fivers?! Well, there's one thing, but it would be indelicate to suggest what. Her family are Londoners, which is probably how she landed a cameo role in an episode of the BBC soap 'Eastenders'. She has also starred in a major Bollywood film. Signed photos are available for a small fee, via the OFFSTAGE website. Ahem. |
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David Ratty Dave first appeared on stage at the tender age of six. He was looking for the toilet. He won Gold and Silver medals at the Cheltenham Competitive Festival, and failed to even enter the Cheltenham Uncompetitive Festival. He is the reincarnation of John Belushi and, in fact, The Blues Brothers is one of his favourite things. So much so, that he sings and dances like ‘Joilet’ Jake Blues in a tribute show. One day, he’s vowed to find an Elwood Blues and a backing band, so that he can leave his bedroom. His ability to down pints whilst still wearing a suit and tie immaculately is frightening. He once burnt through his clothes and singed his elbow on a tall candle, whilst flirting. That’s dedication to the female form for you. |
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Gareth 'Gaz' Ricketts Gaz likes everything between his legs to be throbbing. He’ll then put on his protective helmet and hold on tight. That’s because he rides a motorbike, amongst other things. He is attractive, witty, stylish and cool. That’s not just our opinion, that’s his as well. He has the uncanny ability to be exactly like Chandler from ‘Friends’, which is odd as Chandler has the uncanny ability to be exactly like Gaz from OFFSTAGE. He has a certificate that says he’s good at Judo. He also has a certificate that says he’s the World’s Greatest Lover. We’re not sure which is the forgery. |
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Bob Roberts Bob took up acting in 2002 and promptly won two Best Actor awards in two separate festivals. Jammy swine. He is lethal with a Squash Racket (and sometimes on the court too). His ability to learn lines in the time it takes for him to read them is, quite frankly, astounding. He is also a member of The Cranham Players, but he likes to keep quiet about it. |
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Jean
Skinner Jean is on loan from The Cranham Players and, if she scores enough goals by the end of the season, we’ll probably complete the transfer for an astronomical fee. She has the ability to collapse into fits of giggles at the drop of a hat, as well as being an expert on choosing wine, buying wine, and - most importantly – drinking wine. Her first role with OFFSTAGE was the complete opposite of Jean herself, that of Lady Bracknell from ‘The Importance Of Being Earnest’, but she now does insist on going everywhere with a ‘haaaaand-baaag’. In her salad days, she liked getting locked in Cathedral Crypts with handsome fashion photographers. |
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Chris
Smith Chris does a mean E.L.Wisty come Janet Street-Porter impression and can cut crusts off cucumber sandwiches with the best of them. She is a bubble of fun, with many men-folk wanted to give her a pop. Her ability to get lost, even when using a SatNav, is legendary. She may be small in size, but she makes up for it with the biggest, brightest personality. Ask her anything about which Hollywood blockbusters had artificial snow made in the Cotswolds and she can tell you. She’s the Queen of Snow Business. |
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Emma Vogwell Emma Vogell used to be called Emma Bevan, until she got married. It would have been simpler to join Equity if she wanted to change her name. Doh. What can one say about Emma that hasn’t been said before? Very little. And that has been said before. Ah well. But, what she lacks in height, she makes up for in talent. Herself and Sophie form a very funny double act that rivals French & Saunders. Until you see it. An accomplished saxophonist, she also likes blowing her own trumpet. |
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Martin Vogwell Martin can play the guitar just like Jimi Hendrix. In a coffin. He is the husband of Emma Vogwell (see Present Players), but he claims that all happened due to a mix-up with a bottle of vodka and a £5 bet that went too far. They were married by a tree at the Gloucestershire Arboretum. The tree even wore a dog collar and carried a bible. Martin and Barnaby once wrote the funniest song in the world. But they can’t remember it. |